It has been quite a while since I have been out and out candid here. In more ways than one, a lot has changed in this cathartic comma. But, in a condensed capsule, I feel as if I stand where I began, possibly more vulnerable and confused than ever before.
My exams finished a good twenty days ago, but I have no clue as to where I want to go. This break before the next session was meant to be utilised aesthetically- in learning pottery, in making endless sketches, in lying amongst a pile of books (cheesy, queasy, classics et al)..in just enjoying the sluggish hyperactivity of life during the holidays..

But ironically, I have been hardpressed to even put in a post a day. It is just not lack of time that upsets me, but an utter lack of rational feelings. In moments when one generally feels content, I get a sudden sense of extreme deprivation. I stand in the midst of an emotional deluge, yet, I find no stable footing. It is odd really..how words too fail to comfort today...

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain -
To thy high requiem become a sod.
-- Keats

In office. Disciplined start to a new week? Ha..

The world is a fucking circus full of bourgeoisie idiots

Am caught in the grind. Again. After a year of waiting patiently, am shifting to my new residence. To a room with ample sunlight. With a staircase along which wind chimes play happily. It is time to do some packing...

I might just get this tattoo.

In case you find another

great piece with a unicorn or

a female archer, do drop in a word.

There was a fire in my office. People panicked. I had an ice cream. It was fun. Had to go back to work after two hours though. That was sad.

They are over. Finally.

Is this the deformed silence, in which witches whisper their charms...

Is it really? For the past couple of days, I have been a silent and somewhat troubled victim of a tumultuous storm within myself. A deluge of emotions, some internal criticism, some unanswered questions and a lot of studying were the instigators. Today when the primrose was just opening its petals and I was being rattled by a heigtened sense of disgust, I chose to close it all. In a sweeping stroke. Pushed towards a spaceless alley. And a 20 minute nap, is in my opinion the best way to do it.

Couple of weeks ago, I took this 'which goddess are you' quiz. After a random set of obscure questions, it pronounced me as 'aphrodite' - the Greek goddess of love, lust and beauty. Both Aphrodite and Venus have always held a mystic fascination for me. It is almost as if I could play endlessly with the foam that Aphrodite was born out of. Or I could loose myself in the curvy flows of hands and gestures that Venus employed to work her magic. Or as if I could emulate their sassiness. But, the confusion encircling me then created a different desire altogether. A phase of utter wonderment. What if I refused to be involved in emotions and crap and became like one of the Furies, the Greek goddesses of revenge. Now, I know this sounds too lame and silly for comfort, but what if I could reason everything out with a cold, calculated and shrewd rationale?

Eternal tempations aside, the past couple of hours have brought with them a serene sense of existence again. In a silence that seems too forced, too sweetened by its own, too fragile to exist. In this uninterrupted calm I wonder, when there is no other question plaguing my mind.......

.............is this the deformed silence, in which witches whisper their charms

Four down. One more to go.I wana say yayee...

Paradise Lost? I too am lost

The gulf between how one should live and how one does live is so wide that a man who neglects what is actually done for what should be done learns the way to self destruction rather than self preservation. The fact is that a man who wants to act virtuously in every way necessarily comes to grief among so many who are not virtuous.
--Niccolo Machiavelli

1. Now, I really do understand what he is trying to say. One should adapt to situations, rather than behaving in an 'ideal fashion'.
2. But, there is a one-liner with a similar meaning that just irritates the hell out of me--if you cant change a situation, change your thinking. Can I ask why should I do that?

A test question for you Mr. Machiavelli. If an individual close to you, asks your opinion about something they like, what do you do? Do you act virtuously, and lie to them about it? Even if you do not agree with their choice? Or do you act according to the situation, tell the truth and see a smile vanish forever?

I didnt know what to do......

Whose woods these are I think I know,
His house is in the village though.
He will not see me stopping here,
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

Wish I'd known the words...

Three down. Two more to go.

Fiasco Roll (Like most posts, this one was begun yesterday and completed today)

It is certainly true that life offers one a taste of everything. From bitter sweet memories to salty alliances. In fact, even crisp experiences for that matter. And as is customary to such staid beginnings in a narrative, I too shall divulge the tasteful (tasteless actually) experiences that I had today. I may not appreciate the humour behind these once-in-a-lifetime moments post today, but I have not altogether lost an appetite for them.

After god-only-knows-how-many years, I woke up early and went to the temple at sharp seven in the morning. No need for the arched eyebrows! Today being an auspicious day was also the ocassion for a grah-pravesh puja at my new residence. So, I delightfully enter the temple premises, enjoying the playful strokes of a casual early morning breeze. But before I know, I bump into another delightful soul. One that stings me on my right foot. Yea, right. Benefits of waking up early morning: an itching pain all day long.

Now, some part the fiasco had been anticipated beforehand. My History examination had to start at 9 am sharp, and the puja was supposed to begin at 7.30. Now, do I really need to explain the entire story? I was late by a good 30 minutes for the exam, the teacher-in-charge had already marked me absent and submitted the detail-sheet to the office, there was no question paper for me and I was haplessly stranded. In a two hour examination, I could barely manage to finish my paper in the leftover hour. The icing on the cake, actually the spice on the roll came when my brother told me that such goof ups are once in a lifetime moments. Quite the positive spirit, isnt he!

This is where I continue...Its literally 21st today. So, is there ain't any point in conteplating what happened yesterday? or the day before? or every goddamn thing that has ever gone wrong? Yes and no. Yes- one needs to think about all that in order learn how to grow from such experiences (really?). No-because the fucking cycle will repeat itself, to bring new lessons. So, why bother?

Most of the time, its not even my fault when I see red. When I react spontaneously, it might be my fault. But, hey! I didnt trigger it. In any case, things come and things go. And where am I during this great transition, this great journey of lessons and tests? I am in my own world. Thinking about stupid things. Like why isnt everyone as honest and straightforward? Why do I feel jammed when it wasnt my goddamn fault to begin with? Why do I still feel jammed even after establishing it wasnt my fault?

Now, I know my profile says that Ithe light at the end of tunnel seems dark and that I carry my own torchlight. Well, I really try to! Found a very different approach to the same today: The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train...

Have you had the impulse to step out of the way and not get trampled?

Two goddamn, infuriating incidents in the same day? What is the bloody probability?
A happy news is lost in these gallows forever...

What should one do if there is a keen desire to eat candyfloss at the moment?

Two down. Three more to go. History, sucks.

Oh my god, I haven't prepared a speech...

Warning: Done in all immodesty and a fit of unabashed glee

The post where I contemplate selling indulgences has been nominated for the April 2007 Blog Mela. Yayee!

Is funny the word? Because funnily, it takes only a moment for one to witness a mood swing. A rather irritating one.